this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
this boner is exhausting
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
