I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
