Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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