She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
