As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
