Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
