just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
