apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
