Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
