we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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