I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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