Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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