you traded sex for a burrito?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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