Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
