I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
