i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
