I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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