Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
