The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
