i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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