I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
