LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
