So drunk, too bad you don't want this
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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