More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
