when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
