I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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