New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
