i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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