I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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