Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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