Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
