so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
