I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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