Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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