shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
