apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
