I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
