Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
