Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
