you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
