He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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