She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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