I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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