We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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