Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
