Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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