Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I stole a fireplace last night.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
