someone threw a dead crab at me
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
