Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
