if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
