I cannot find my penis.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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