Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
