is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
